This is the first quarterly performance appraisal for Mummy and Daddy, as reviewed and reported by Alfie.
Anticipating and reacting to baby’s needs
Mummy: Satisfactory. Mummy is generally able to identify my needs and offer an appropriate response. She occasionally reacts to a specific demand with non-specific comforting, in the form of a cuddle. These cases result in temporary relief, followed by significantly more urgent demands.
Daddy: Totally hopeless. Daddy seems to think that my pacifier is the answer to everything. He insists on going through the same tired procedure every time something goes wrong: ignoring me in the hope that I will stop complaining; repeatedly offering the pacifier, with increasing levels of annoyance and desperation; grudging cuddle; grudging cuddle while rocking or bouncing; grudging cuddle while standing; grudging cuddle while pulling faces or singing. These measures are pointless when all I need is a change or a bit of food.
Entertainment
Mummy: Good. Mummy always has plenty of times for games.
Daddy: Must try harder. Some of the funny faces and noises are quite entertaining at first, but they get stale after a while and I’d rather just sit quietly and watch the fish. Also, you’re using my toys wrongly: that butterfly thing is fun enough when I get to play with it, but it’s utterly terrifying when you flap it in my face. This must stop at once. Finally, and most importantly, no more singing. For the love of milk, I can’t take any more karaoke Bon Jovi.
Comforting
Mummy: Exceptional performance. Perfect cuddles every time, guaranteeing comfort. There’s no place I’d rather be.
Daddy: Unsatisfactory. It’s not very comforting when you’re clearly desperate to get me to shut up. Know your limits: sometimes only Mummy will do.
Feeding
Mummy: Good. Patient and gentle. Adept at identifying and dealing with wind.
Daddy: Unpredictable. On the one hand, Daddy often helps me reach new, delicious feeding volumes. On the other hand, he sometimes pushes me beyond my comfort zone. On such occasions, I am sure to provide timely feedback by vomiting violently all over him. Also, stop watching the TV over my head and pay proper attention to me. I’m not fooled.
Changing
Mummy: Generally OK. Gentle and entertaining. However, Mummy seems not to have learned that I’m quite likely to wee on her during a change, even though I’ve been trying to train her for months now.
Daddy: Failing grade. Usually hides in a different part of the house during a change, making his distaste obvious. Worse, when Daddy is left in charge, he often waits for extended periods while profusely denying that a change is even necessary.
Transport
Mummy: Good. A skilled and comforting pram pilot and harness-wearer. Sometimes flounders when putting me into my car seat or pram.
Daddy: Satisfactory. He has been known to jokingly let go of the pram on an incline. He worryingly thinks that it’s a good idea to fit the pram with headlights and a horn; let us hope that this is another putative “joke”. In the harness, he needs to recognise that he is far fatter than he believes, and therefore he must remember to loosen the straps sufficiently to avoid smooshing my face between his man-boobs. However, credit must be given for his discovery that I can keep warm while in the harness by putting my feet into the pockets of his hoody. Daddy also seems to attract the attention of little old ladies when out and about, and they are all obsessed by finding out how old I am. While I recognise that this is not Daddy’s fault per se, it does mean that trips out with Mummy are more efficient.